One day, I meet this kid and this crazy old man and took them for a ride. The next thing I know, i am at the center of a major shit storm with the Empire. I escape the Death Star by the hair of Chewie's ass and live to tell about it. This leads me to retirement. I dump the kid, the princess and some droids and go on my way. 'bout half way to planet Kashyyyk to visit the Baccas for Thanksgiving (Chewie's mom cooks a mean rancor!), Chewie gave me the guilt trip and leaned on me to turn around. I flew back (took me only 3 parsecs!) to the shit storm and saved Luke's ass with a few lasers from the bow blaster. He is now able to blow up the Death Star. This really pissed them off.
A year later, we go hide on the frozen planet of Hoth. Luke goes exploring and somehow ends up in a Woompa's cave. The hangar where we were staying(I rate it a 2 star establishment. Heating was poor and no vending on my floor) had to close up for the night. Therefore, I had to chose between three hots and a cot or a night in the tundra searching for my friend and possibly sleeping in the belly of a ton-ton. I chose the latter, saved his ass, froze mine off and slept under a ton-ton. (and you thought they smelled bad on the outside!)
A few days later we get in some more heat with Vader and, man, is he pissed. I call Lando, Lando tells me to come over for some Hoth 45's so we head to Bespin. We land, its cool and the next thing I know, Vader is hosting a dinner for us. What the fuck. Then Boba Fett shows up in his scratched up suit (Seattle '99 style=gay) and freezes me in fucking carbonite. YES. CARBONITE. I know right? Fucked up. Anyway... he sells me to Jabba the Hutt and the rest of the crew escapes by the hair of Chewies ass. Ok. Cool. Looks like my friends all got away. That's great news, i am sure they will come and free me asap. Yeah. Im sure they will. WRONG!
Year 1.....still waiting (freezing too.)
Year 2 ..............Yep still here. Have an itch. Cant scratch it. This sucks.
Year 3.....................WTF...Cmon asshole. I saved you twice already. OHHHH..."You needed to complete your training, master the force"...hokey religions! Nothing a good blaster couldnt save.
Wait...Leia? You sent Leia to save me? You are such a pussy. Go shoot some wamp rats. 3 fucking years man. I did you two solids and you leave me frozen in carbonite for 3 mother fucking years while that fat fuck Jabba ate sand frogs and jammed out to Max Rebo and Si Snoodles. Some life that was. Thanks brother. |
